The Truth Is
by Dirty Work
Summary: James reassures Kendall's doubts the night before they leave for Los Angeles. Slash.


_Sorry I haven't posted anything in a long while! I'm from England but I've been living in the states since I was twelve, and every summer I go back to England for a while to spend time with our family there. I just got back because school is starting in a week exactly, and I need to get all of my supplies and everything! But I haven't forgotten about fanfiction or Big Time Rush, and I'm still in love with every aspect of Kames and warming up a bit to Cargan and some other ships, though I'm not sure if I'll write them yet. Anyway, please enjoy!_

_Also, I don't own anything._

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><p>Kendall's mind is in a daze as he robotically moves throughout his room, taking the neatly folded clothes from all of his drawers and trying to pack them tightly in his suitcase. His luggage is big, but he still has to fit all of his clothes if he wants to last three months and save doing his mother some extra laundry at the same time. All of his movements are almost scripted, like he's being forced to do them, but in all honesty, he <em>is<em> excited.

Tomorrow he boards a flight first thing in the morning with his three best friends, taking them to Los Angeles and the rude record producer whom he made a deal with in the parking lot of the grocery store he works at just this morning. Although he's less than thrilled about working for a man as angry and unpleasant as Gustavo Rocque, he would be such a fool to pass down this amazing opportunity practically handed to him on a silver platter. But part of him can't help but feel that the silver platter was delivered to the wrong person.

He still feels bad about it. It doesn't matter that he ended up convincing Gustavo that he and his friends should all come to L.A. and that James is finally getting the opportunity to live out his dream anyway. Kendall is completely convinced that a small part of James still hates him because he was the one who captured the attention of the prestigious record producer. Kendall doesn't understand this whole business about having "the fire" and whatnot, but he doesn't understand how he could have fire and James could lack it.

James is one of the most passionate people he knows. He has the drive of a mad man, and Kendall can always tell when James really wants something by looking into his eyes. The green and brown perfect blend just become so bright and vibrant, and the little flecks of gold that Kendall always finds are shining and making James look even more beautiful than he already is. And Kendall doesn't care how gay it sounds, because James really is beautiful and gorgeous and flawless and the blonde can't think of any words to better describe what James is.

At the audition, Kendall saw it. When he had placed his hands on James' broad shoulders and gave the pep talk his best friend needed to hear, he saw it. He saw James' eyes and how bright they were, despite the thin layer of apprehension and nervousness that were clouding his irises. He saw how much James wanted it, still wants it, and he remembers watching James up on that stage sing his heart out. And what he really remembers, though he desperately wishes he could forget it, is the look in James' eyes when they returned to his house.

Kendall wants to go the rest of his life without seeing that look in James' eyes again. He doesn't like how the perfect mesh of colors that are usually so bright and vivid suddenly became lackluster in one instant. He knows that everything Gustavo said to James was a lie, and he hates that proving that it was a lie ended up gaining Kendall the spot that James deserved. He hates it.

He won't forget the moment where James said he hated Kendall, and he doesn't think he ever will. Although James made it clear that Kendall was forgiven after convincing Gustavo to take the four of them to Los Angeles, Kendall still fears that a small part of James will always hate him. He fears that James will never forget how Kendall won the icy heart of Gustavo Rocque and almost ran away with his dreams.

Right as his inner turmoil is reaching an all time high, the doorbell rings. Kendall drops the pair of jeans that he's holding right into his suitcase and calls out to his mother and sister that he'll answer the door. He already knows who it is, anyway.

Surprisingly, all of their parents had agreed to let the four boys move to L.A. for three months to pursue becoming a boy band. A four-way phone call between the four mothers had set everything into stone, along with who would stay with the boys. Everyone was sent packing immediately, but more arrangements between James and Kendall's mothers needed to be made.

James' parents are divorced, though they both live in the same town for James' convenience with school. He switched between the two houses every once in a while, though he stayed with his mother much more often. Mrs. Diamond was going to be out of the house early for an important conference meeting at the company she was the CEO of, and therefore is unable to drive James to the airport the next day. It was decided earlier that James would stay at the Knights' house and depart with them the next morning.

So obviously it's James at the door now, and Kendall can't help but notice he's bounding down the stairs a little. Kendall had realized that his feelings for James went a little past friendly a few weeks ago, but that's only part of the reason why he's trying so hard to make James' dream a reality. He would have given up his dream of playing hockey for James even if he _didn't_ think that James was the most beautiful thing in the world, right? Surely he would do the same thing for Logan or Carlos.

But as he reaches the landing, he realizes that although he probably would sacrifice his dream for any one of his friends, the way their eyes light up when talking about _their_ dreams isn't as endearing or important as the way James' do.

Kendall finally reaches the door and opens it to reveal a smiling James Diamond, two suitcases behind him and his hockey duffel filled with overnight necessities slung over his shoulder.

"Kendall!" James exclaims when he sees his friend. Kendall steps aside as James walks over the threshold into the house, pulling what are bound to be two heavy suitcases behind him. "Kendall, I can't believe tomorrow at this time we'll be in L.A.! I finished packing like three hours ago, I was so excited, but my mom was still working and she wouldn't drive me, and can I just leave my suitcases down here? I really don't want to lug them upstairs to your room, though I will if you want me—"

"James!" Kendall interrupts. "James, it's fine. Just leave them down here, okay? You'd just have to bring them downstairs again in the morning."

James nods, removing his scarf from his neck as Kendall shuts the door. "Sorry," he says while taking off his gloves, "I'm just so excited and I don't even know what to do with my energy right now."

"Well," Kendall says, watching as James removes his jacket, "You could always help me finish packing!"

"You're not done?" James asks, slipping off his shoes and leaving them by his outdoor wear and his suitcases. "Kendall, it's like eight. We decided we were doing this hours ago!"

Kendall sighs as he begins ascending the stairs, not having to look back to know James is following. "Yeah, well," he says, "I've just been thinking about things and I wasn't really paying attention."

"Ooooh," James says as they reach the top of the stairs. "What kind of things?"

"Thingy things," Kendall replies as they reach his room. He ignores James' request for specificity and walks over to his dresser, grabbing an entire stack of plaid and walking it over to his bed where his suitcase is lying open. "Are you going to help me or not?"

The blonde can feel James' glare on him as he moves back towards his dresser, but James appears by his side a moment later and gathers yet another pile of plaid into his arms as well. Kendall is surprised that James drops the subject, because the brunette is known to be just as stubborn as he is when it comes to getting what he wants, but he's not about to remind James that he needs to retaliate or anything. Seeing as James was pretty much all he was thinking about is something that Kendall doesn't want to admit.

With James helping, they get Kendall's suitcase packed in half the time, and Kendall has to hold down the lid while James zips it. Once they finish, they drag the suitcase off of Kendall's bed and into the hallway so that it will be ready to take downstairs once morning comes.

"I've never seen so many plaid shirts and vans in my _life_," James says as he collapses face first onto Kendall's bed. "Why do you have so many?"

Kendall shrugs and squeezes in next to James, even though the taller boy is taking up most of his full and there isn't much room between the wall and James. He ends up getting semi-comfortable though, which he considers a feat considering how splayed out James is.

"Do you even see me wearing anything else?" he asks, folding his arms behind his head.

When James replies, his response is muffled by the mattress. "No, not really," he mumbles. "I can fix that if you want."

Kendall looks over at James, his brows raising and disappearing into his hair. "Yeah, no thanks."

"What time is it?" James asks.

The blonde sighs. "Like…something o'clock, I don't know," he responds. "Why don't you look at the clock? It's right there."

James looks up at him. "But," he protests, "But that would mean I have to move my head!"

Kendall rolls his eyes at James' laziness and sits up to look at the clock on his nightstand. "It's 9:30, lazy face," he tells James, sitting back.

The brunette rolls onto his backside and then right off the bed, standing up and stretching. He walks over to his overnight bag and unzips it, immediately beginning to ruffle around. "Well then we should go to bed," he says, pulling out a t-shirt and some sweats and beginning to take off his shirt. "We have to be up at like, five tomorrow, right?"

"Mhmm," Kendall says as he gets up himself. "That's going to suck." He walks over to his dresser and grabs the sweats and t-shirt he left there, following James' example of stripping down and putting on pajamas.

"Yeah, pretty much," the brunette boy says as he walks back over to the bed and plops down, scooting over until he's against the wall. "But it'll all be worth it in the end, you know? Because this time tomorrow night we'll be in L.A.!"

Kendall slips on his pants and makes a grab for his shirt. "Indeed we will be," he replies as he walks over to the light switch and flicks it off. He stumbles his way back to the bed and settles in next to James, practically burying himself under the covers. "But isn't it like an hour time change?"

James turns towards Kendall and pretty much gets in his face, and the blonde isn't sure he can handle the proximity, seeing as he likes James more than he should. "Who cares?" James whisper-screams in his face, turning over on his back once he's spit all over Kendall. "We're going to be _famous_!"

"Yeah," Kendall says, rolling over onto his back. "We are."

And he's not sure that this is a good thing. He's not sure he wants the fame. Of course, he'll do anything to make James happy, but he's worried.

"Okay, well, night, Kendall," James says, turning over and facing the wall. Kendall remains on his back, but his eyes travel to James' back facing him, and then back to the ceiling.

He can't respond. His fears are coming right back to him and it's like an elephant is sitting on his chest. He's so worried that they won't make it big and that they'll return home to Minnesota and James will hate him. Or worse, they'll make it big time and they'll be so famous and all of the fame will get to James' head and he won't be the same James anymore, the James that Kendall grew to like as more than a friend. And he doesn't want Hollywood to change anyone, including him.

And oh God, what if he changes? What if he's different and lets the town and the people get to him? What if he's not the same Kendall?

And instead of saying goodnight, he says something totally different.

"I'm scared," he finally admits, and it's barely above a whisper but in the silent room it's so loud. He can feel James shift at his confession and he knows James has turned back over to face him, but Kendall can't bring himself to meet the brunette's gaze.

James sits up, the blankets moving down on Kendall's waist with James. "What do you mean, you're scared?" he asks quietly. Kendall doesn't respond. For some reason he can feel wetness develop in his eyes and his throat starts to burn with the effort of holding back his tears. He doesn't even know why he's so upset but he is and he can't do anything to change that.

"Kendall, hey," James says, his voice even softer. "Kendall, what's the matter?" But Kendall still doesn't respond, he _can't_ respond, because he knows that if he does his voice will crack and he doesn't want that. He's trying to keep his breathing even, but he's not having much luck and James is sure to find out what's going on soon.

He feels a presence hovering over him and once the room is flooded with a bit of light, he sees James just letting go of the cord of his bedside lamp. James sits back and then gets a good look at Kendall, who's lost the protection of darkness and feels so vulnerable.

"Kendall," he breathes when he sees the film of wetness covering his best friend's eyes, "Talk to me. What's wrong? Are you okay?" Kendall lets out a shaky breath and James jumps to more conclusions. "Are you hurt? Should I go get your mom?"

He moves to get up, but Kendall grabs his wrist. "I'm not hurt," he reassures his friend quickly, immediately dropping James' wrist and returning his gaze to the ceiling.

Even though he's not looking at him, he knows James is wearing a look of distress. "Kendall, please," he begs, his voice exasperated. "Tell me what's wrong. You said you're scared? What are you scared of? Talk to me."

Kendall closes his eyes and keeps them closed until he's sure that he can keep the tears back. "I'm afraid for what's going to happen tomorrow," he finally admits, and his voice is surprisingly steady. "Because at least here I know what to expect every day. School, hockey, you guys…but there, I don't know what to expect. What if everything goes wrong and you hate me even more?"

"Whoa there!" James cuts him off before he can say anything else. "Hate you even more? Who said I hated you in the first place?"

Kendall sits up so he can talk to James properly and runs his hand through his already tousled locks. "You did," Kendall says, looking down and picking at a lose thread on his comforter. "This morning in the parking lot, remember? You said that all of you hated me."

The blonde's voice has gone quiet and he looks so dejected that James' heart hurts a little bit just looking at it. "Kendall, I was just mad," the brunette reassures quickly. "I was pissed over the fact that you got picked and I didn't, and then you didn't even want to take the opportunity. But if you think I still hate you after you put your dreams on hold for mine, you must be crazy."

"But what if everything goes wrong?" Kendall asks, finally turning towards James, and James hates seeing him like this. He hates the uncertainty in Kendall's eyes and how he's on the brink of tears. "What if three months pass and we don't make it? Or worse; what if we make it big time and everything still doesn't work out? What if you hate me again? What if we never speak—"

"Hey, hey, hey!" James interrupts him again, placing a hand on Kendall's shoulder. "Don't think about that, okay? We'll never know if we don't try, and you're the one who gave us the chance _to_ try. Even if we do fail, you're the one who's bringing us out there in the first place. I'm not going to hate you if we don't make it."

"But you don't know that!" Kendall protests, and he sounds so distressed and he's sure that the tears will start flowing soon. "You don't! Yesterday when I figured out a way to bring you to the audition, you were going on and on about how much you loved me and then this morning you said you hated me. How am I supposed to know that's not going to happen aga—"

His words are swallowed when something suddenly presses against his lips, and for a second he thinks it's James' hand before he realizes that this is much too wet to be his hand, and then he notices James' hand keeping his chin in place and realizes what's going on. James is kissing him, and his lips move once and Kendall takes that as his cue to stop thinking and respond, so he does.

James deepens the kiss once Kendall begins to respond, and the blonde reaches up and fists James' shirt in his hand, pulling himself closer to James to the point where he's seated in the brunette's lap. But it feels like he still can't get close enough, not even when James moves his hand from Kendall's chin to thread his fingers in the blonde's hair, or when he wraps his other arm around Kendall's waist and leans back against the wall as they continue to kiss.

Finally, James loosens his hold on Kendall's hair and begins to pull away, but Kendall dives right back in again and plants another kiss on his lips. James smiles softly against Kendall's mouth and then pulls back again, keeping a grip on Kendall's shoulder so that he doesn't try anything again.

"Does that answer your question?" He asks, the corner of his lip turning up in a smirk that could rival Kendall's.

Kendall sits back, still on James' lap, and blinks hard once. "What question?" he breathes, eyes flickering down to James' lips in hopes that the brunette will get the hint that he wants to kiss again.

"On how you were supposed to know whether or not I'll hate you again if things don't work out," he explains. "If what just happened didn't totally clear things up, I'll elaborate. The truth is, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to hate you, okay? I know I said I did this morning, but that was me being angry and stupid. I can't hate you because you're amazing, Kendall." Kendall blushes at the comment, but James continues anyway. "I can't think of anyone else who would stand up for me the way that you did last night."

"Carlos and Logan would," Kendall says, suddenly bashful.

James nods. "You're probably right," he agrees, "but they wouldn't do it the way you did. They wouldn't jump up on a table and angrily sing Gustavo Rocque's own stupid song to him and still look incredibly sexy while doing it, and they wouldn't sing him your fabulous giant turd song either." Kendall chuckles at that and James smiles, continuing. "And even though you're the one he wanted, you still had the nerve to make it so all four of us are going to Los Angeles tomorrow. You made the toughest record producer accept someone else's terms, and you did it for _me_. You put your dream on hold for _me_, Kendall. And even if things don't work out, I'm always going to remember that, okay?"

"Okay," Kendall says, his smile widening. "I believe you."

James smirks again. "You sure?" he asks, pulling Kendall's face closer to his so that their noses are touching. "Because if you're not," he breathes, lips brushing the blonde's, "I can always do some extra convincing."

"Well then," Kendall whispers, wearing a smirk identical to James'. "Convince away."

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><p><em>It's 2:20 in the morning, but I promised I would finish this tonight. And I did! Hurrah!<em>

_I hope you enjoyed it! And gosh, another Go Radio title. At least this fic doesn't totally revolve around the song._


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